Title: Flugzeuge Im Bauch
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17... maybe
Word count: 15 500 (7 600-ish for this part)
Warnings: Chad Michael Murray. Nothing to do with this fic, it's just best to avoid him in general.
Summary: A call from across the ocean takes Jared back to being 19. Not literally.
Disclaimer: So very not real. Imagine that.
Ich kann allein sein, und das weisst du auch - und doch
Hab´ ich Flugzeuge in meinem Bauch
Gib mir mein - gib mir mein Herz zurück
Du brauchst meine Liebe nicht
Gib mir mein Herz zurück, bevor es auseinander bricht
Je eher, je eher du gehst - um so leichter, um so leichter
Wird´s für mich
I can be alone, and you know it, too - and yet
I have butterflies in my belly
Give me my - give me my heart back
You don't need my love
Give me my heart back, before it breaks in two
The sooner, the sooner you go - the easier, the easier
It'll be for me
("Flugzeuge im Bauch" - Oli P.)
A/N: This whole thing wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for maichan . I can’t even begin to tell you how much I am grateful for the constant help she provides. What I write and what you read are two very different things, all thanks to her.
I *heart* you. And The Chad is all yours.
“This is the best day ever!” Jared thinks as he wakes. The birds sing louder and the sun shines brighter, and if that’s a little unusual for the middle of February - so be it. Truth be told, it’s snowing and he fucking hates it. He’s stuck in his aunt’s apartment with absolutely nothing to do but replay every single moment of his night with Jensen over and over again. Not that it’s not entertaining, it’s just that he’d prefer the real thing. He lives in the constant state of being half-hard. He forces himself to think about baseball, killing kittens, old people having sex… but nothing helps. At this point even the old people seem halfway enticing.
He spends Thursday afternoon with Chad, of all people. The guy called out of the blue and asked if Jared was up for some ice cream. Jared suspects Sophia put him up to it.
“Ice cream? Really? Is that the best you can come up with?”
“Hey, if you don’t wanna…” Chad trails off.
“No!” Jared screams into the phone. “God, no. Ice cream sounds awesome. Just get me out of here.”
Chad laughs and says he’ll pick him up in a half an hour. Jared isn’t even surprised when he’s almost an hour late, but he cannot bring himself to care. He’s going out! It’s high time he did, too, because that annoying German techno song, Faster Harder Scooter, was beginning to sound more familiar than the Star-Spangled Banner. He might’ve changed the Scooter part to Jensen, though.
They go to a mall. Chad’s original like that, but Jared’s not one to complain, especially when he’s faced with a huge banana split. His expression probably gives away his delight, because just as he’s about to dig in, Chad says: “Figured you’d appreciate a banana in your bowl.”
Jared groans. “Dude. You did not just say that. What does it even mean?!”
“Hmm…” Chad hums. The thinking face he makes looks unnatural on him. “If I need to explain, then Jensen’s not the man I thought he was.”
“Oh my God!” Chad squeaks out like a girl. “He totally fucked you, didn’t he? I knew it!” He pumps his fist in the air.
How is that his accomplishment, Jared doesn’t know. He does know his sex life is not something he wishes to discuss with Chad.
“Seriously?” he asks incredulously. “You want to talk about butt-sex?”
“Sex is sex, man,” Chad waves him off. “Besides, one time I talked Soph into…”
“OH DEAR GOD, NO!” Jared covers his ears dramatically. “Close relative here!”
“Oops”, Chad says not sounding contrite at all. “Sorry.”
“Too late,” Jared says gravely. “It can’t be unheard.” It effectively takes his mind off fantasising about sex with Jensen, if only for a while, so he counts it as a win.
On Friday night Josh, Danneel, and Jared meet with Sophia and Chad at some club. He doesn’t remember hearing its name, but it doesn’t really matter anyway. It’s dimly lit, loud, crowded, and filled with the pungent scent of sweat and cigarette smoke. Jared loves it even so.
Sophia drags him out to dance and no, he’s definitely not drunk enough for that. He flails his arms about uncontrollably and kicks his feet with no rhyme or reason. All in all, he’s well aware of looking like a spastic chimp, he just doesn’t care.
Sophia, on the other hand, isn’t beneath mocking him mercilessly, and makes it her job to describe to everyone in their booth in vivid detail every awkward move he made on the dance floor. She pays special attention to the unfortunate incident of knocking some random girl’s glasses off her face.
Jared’s fine with being laughed at, normally. Most of the time, he’s the one doing it. But right now, there’s Chris and Jensen listening to her. They must’ve arrived while he was “dancing”. They sit awfully close, if you ask Jared. Chris has his arm swung behind Jensen, and he’s laughing just as loud as everyone else. Since when does he understand English that well anyway? When Jared flushes with heat, it’s not from the physical exertion. He can’t bring himself to look up, just curls his hands into fists in his lap.
Then Jensen lays his hand on Jared’s thigh. When Jared lifts his eyes to meet his gaze, Jensen’s grinning at him.
“Hi there,” he says softly and leans in for a brief touch of their lips. Chad, the bastard, wolf whistles.
“Hi,” Jared breathes and smiles serenely. All the Chrises of the world cease to exist. As does everyone else.
When they call it a night, no one even asks Jensen if he’s coming to stay at Josh and Danneel’s. It’s a given.
Jared wakes up to an empty bed. He panics until his brain kicks into gear and he remembers Jensen telling him he had things to do in the morning. It’s their father’s birthday and they’re having a small celebration just for the family. Jared doesn’t expect to be invited, but Josh informs him that he’s family which makes Jared feel warm all over. And if he lets himself believe Josh thinks of him as more than just Danneel’s cousin, no one has to know.
The ride to Josh’s parents’ house seems to take forever. Maybe it’s because he hasn’t seen Jensen for what feels like an eternity, even though it’s probably closer to 8 hours. He can’t stop thinking about last night when he had Jensen in his bed again, and can’t help getting hot and bothered again. It only takes Jensen shaking his hand formally in front of his entire family for Jared to almost come into his pants, right there, in the middle of the living room. He ends up fidgeting the whole time, mortified with the thought of someone noticing he’s hard inside of his jeans.
Jensen does, of course. He must know exactly what’s on Jared’s mind, because he keeps throwing him these glances, even sneaks a wink here and there. When he licks his lips obscenely as he’s stuffing himself with cake, Jared tries really hard not to look at him. It goes as successfully as would telling a sunflower not to follow the sun.
After the so-called party, the four of them decide to go for a drink. At least that’s what Josh suggests, but once they’re outside, it’s clear that they’re not going anywhere, not together anyway. Josh and Danneel get into their car and after a quick see you later, they drive away.
“Where are we going?” Jared asks as he gets into Jensen’s car.
“For a drink, of course.”
They drive for a while. Every time they stop at the traffic light, they make out. Jared’s had the entire day of foreplay, if only in his head, and right now he can’t take his hands off Jensen. They don’t stop tongue fucking each other’s mouth until there’s angry honking from behind.
“I don’t want to go to a bar,” Jared says when he gets enough air in his lungs.
“Oh,” Jensen says with something resembling disappointment. “You want me to take you home?”
“No, you idiot,” Jared laughs. “I want you to- to take us somewhere where we can… you know… be alone.”
Jensen smirks at him. “If that’s what you want. Hold on, I know just the place.”
They end up sneaking into a drive-in. It would feel like driving into the middle of the 50’s if it weren’t for Tom Hanks’ huge face plastered across the screen. Jared’s seen Cast Away, but even if he hadn’t, he’d still say no when Jensen offers to turn the speaker on.
“C’mon, Jen, you know I don’t wanna watch the movie.”
“I see,” Jensen says in amusement. “What do you want then?” the bastard teases.
“I want you to fuck me,” Jared says and looks him straight in the eyes, fighting the blush that’s threatening to creep up his cheeks.
Jensen laughs, not mockingly, but happily. “Oh my God, what have I done to you?”
“I don’t know,” Jared says honestly. “But it was good and I loved it. And I wanna do it again. Now.”
“God help me, I’ve created a monster!” Jensen cries rolling his eyes. Jared chuckles. Then he leans into Jensen’s neck and nuzzles it.
“You’ve got no one but yourself to blame. Now deal with it,” he says in a low voice. His hand wonders down to Jensen’s crotch. “Please,” he adds.
Jensen groans. “You’re killing me, you know that?” Then he’s grabbing and kissing him hungrily, like he’s water and air, like he’s everything Jensen needs. Jared starts unbuttoning Jensen’s jeans, but Jensen’s swats his hand off.
“No… no… we can’t…” he pants. “Stop… stop… wait, Jared, wait.”
Jared doesn’t want to stop, he doesn’t think he’s got it in him to wait another second before he has Jensen on him and in him, but Jensen grips his arms firmly and says: “We can’t, Jared. Not right now.”
“Why not?” Jared honest to God whines. “I want it.”
“Yeah, no kidding,” Jensen says, and Jared frowns, not understanding why Jensen is being a jerk. He must see it because hurriedly he adds: “No, no, don’t think I don’t want it, because I do, I really, really do, Jared.”
Jared refuses to look at him. He feels stupid and embarrassed. He knew he shouldn’t have said anything. God, Jensen must think he’s such a loser, a horny teenager who’s had a couple of orgasms and now can’t get enough. The rat with the pleasure button got nothing on Jared.
“Jared, look at me,” Jensen orders. Jared flicks his eyes to him for a moment, then trains them back to his hands. Jensen sighs in exasperation.
“Jared. Believe me, I want nothing more than to spread you in the back sit and fuck you till you can’t think straight.” Jared shivers with the mental image that produces. “But I don’t have the stuff and I’m not willing to ruin this for you by hurting you.”
It takes a beat or two before what Jensen is saying sinks into Jared’s brain. “Oh,” he says then.
“Yeah,” Jensen confirms. “So are we good?”
“No,” Jared says and Jensen opens his mouth as if he’s to protest, but Jared adds: “But we will be if you let me suck you.”
Jensen’s grins as he pulls Jared closer with a hand curled around his neck. “I think I can allow it.”
“Jerk,” Jared mutters into his mouth.
“That too, if you want,” Jensen replies playfully, but he stops laughing when Jared gets his head into his lap, pulls his dick out.
He’s got no technique, that’s for sure, but what he lacks in finesse, he makes up for with enthusiasm. Judging by the moans Jensen makes, enthusiasm counts for a lot. He tries to deep throat, thinking it can’t be that hard, but he finds quickly it actually is. He gags and has to come up for air, but then he’s back to it, helping himself with his hand, jerking up and down the length of Jensen’s cock while he sucks on the tip. He must be doing something right because it’s not long before Jensen’s spurting into his mouth. He swallows what he can manage, but he’s not a fan of the taste, so he lets most of it drip down his chin. He looks for something to wipe his face with. To his surprise, Jensen takes care of that for him by kissing and licking his own jizz off of Jared’s face. He leans back into his seat with his head thrown back and his eyes closed, breathing heavily.
“That was…” he begins but he never finishes. Instead he says: “I think it’s only fair I return the favour now,” and he reaches for Jared’s fly but Jared catches his wrist.
“Yeah… no. I kinda already… in my…” Jared ducks his head down in embarrassment. Jensen laughs softly.
“Then I guess I owe you one,” he says, and starts the engine.
On Sunday morning the phone rings and Josh answers.
“Hello? Hi, Dad.” He pauses, looks at them and says: “Yeah, he’s here. … Just us and Jared. … You wanna talk to him?” Mr. Ackles clearly doesn’t so Josh continues: “He had a little too much to drink last night and didn’t want to drive. “He listens for a second, and then starts, as if he’s warning him: “Dad, don’t- It’s not like that.”
The second pause lasts a little longer, but Josh just smiles and rolls his eyes. “Yes, Dad, we will see you at church. K, bye.”
He shakes his head as he hangs up.
“Dad’s checking up on you, Jen.”
Jensen’s jaw tightens. “God,” he mutters. “I’m not a fucking kid anymore.” His fists are clenched so hard they go white, and if Jared’s honest with himself, he’s a little scared. He decides to stick to lying.
Josh starts, “Well, maybe if you tried acting…”
“Don’t,” Jensen cuts him off. “Don’t say a fucking word.”
Josh throws his hands up in the air in mock surrender. “I didn’t say anything, baby bro. Hey,” he quickly changes the subject, “we should get going if we don’t want to be late. Danny, ready to go?”
“Um, I think Jared and I are gonna skip church today,” she says with a wink in his direction. Jared grins.
“What about Sunday dinner with my folks?”
“You go. Jensen can take you. Jared and I are gonna eat out and I’ll come pick you up later. How’s that?” she suggests.
Jared knows something’s up. It feels as if she’s protecting him, but he can’t tell from what. Jensen? No, he doesn’t believe that, not for a second. Sure, he can tell Jensen’s angry about something, but he’d never take it out on Jared. Jensen… okay, he may not love him, but Jared is certain he cares about him. Jensen is gentle when he holds him, makes Jared feel like he matters. Jensen would never hurt him in any way. He really doesn’t want to leave Jensen when he’s upset and he’s just about to say so when Josh interrupts his thoughts: “Yeah, that may be best.”
Jensen doesn’t say a word the whole time, just gets up, briefly pecks Jared’s lips, and leaves when Josh says it’s time to go.
Danneel tricks Jared into going shoe shopping with her by promising him candy. He complains about carrying her bags the whole time nevertheless.
“Aww,” she coos, “but if you weren’t so strong and handsome, you wouldn’t have gotten Jensen.”
It’s the first time he’s been mentioned and Jared jumps at the chance of asking the question that’s been nagging him all day long.
“Speaking of,” he says, “what was that all about?”
She tries to play dumb, but he gives her a don’t-give-me-this-shit look, and she sighs.
“Fine, fine. Look, I know what Josh told you about him. I think, and this is only me guessing, I think that Alan suspects something’s going on. I’m pretty sure he knows about Jensen, but he’d never admit it. He’s the kind of a man who thinks that a problem will go away if he ignores it for long enough.”
“Jensen’s not a problem!” Jared interrupts angrily.
She pats his hand sympathetically. “I know that, honey. But he doesn’t. And I’m afraid nothing’s gonna convince him otherwise.”
Her phone chirps then, signaling a text message has arrived.
“Goddammit!” she swears as she reads it. Before Jared can ask, she explains: “It’s Josh. He says Jensen and his Dad had a fight. They’re at our place. We should go.”
The ride seems to take hours. Jared is on the verge of jumping out and running every time they hit a red light. His knee is twitching nervously and he bites the nails on his right hand until they bleed.
He gets his chance to run when they enter the building. He practically flies up the stairs and wraps himself around Jensen the moment he sees him. By Jensen’s breath when he violently kisses him, he can tell he’s been drinking. The shot glasses on the coffee table tell him only that he wasn’t drinking alone.
“Oh that’s fantastic, Josh,” Danneel says in place of hello. “Drinking! Way to go solving your problems.”
“I’m not drunk,” Josh says defensively. “And I told Jensen he can stay here tonight.”
Jared looks at her with a wordless plea. One look at Jensen curled up in Jared’s embrace makes all her anger seep away. “Of course he can stay here,” she says softly. “But then…” she pauses as she’s thinking. “Then Jared will have to be here tomorrow till we come back from work. Is that all right with you, Jay?”
He nods. “Yeah, yeah. Just call your Mom, tell her I’m not coming home tonight.” She takes the phone and goes to their bedroom to make the call. He’s pretty sure she’s calling Sophia, too.
“That reminds me,” Josh says suddenly and, as far as Jared can tell, in relation to nothing that’s been said. “I got a text message from some guy named Tom telling me he misses me and asking me when I was coming home. I think that might be for you, Jared.”
Jared’s initial reaction is to laugh, then maybe to feel embarrassed because he didn’t realise he’s supposed to warn his friends about sending texts to stranger’s phones not being the best idea, and possibly to kill Sandy for passing Josh’s number around. Then Jensen goes very still before he extracts himself from Jared’s embrace and stands up.
“Who’s Tom?” he asks dangerously quiet.
“A friend of mine from home,” Jared says in confusion.
“A friend,” Jensen repeats flatly. “A friend that misses you. Right.”
“What are you… Jensen!” Jared gets up and takes a step towards Jensen, but he raises his hand, so he stops midstep.
“I think I’m gonna go now and hang out with my friends,” he says bitterly and Jared can just hear the air quotes. “I can’t remember the last time I spent a night with them. They must be missing me.” And yes, there’s the air quotes again. He storms out of the door before Jared can stop him, before he can explain.
Jared spends his evening on edge, twitching at the slightest sound that might announce Jensen’s return. He doesn’t come back. Finally, around midnight, Danneel gently tells him to go to sleep. Josh has turned in two hours ago, claiming there’s no way his brother was gonna return, and refusing to lose sleep over his “outbursts”. Jared crawls under the covers but he doesn’t sleep. He tosses and turns, switches the TV on and off a few times, then gets up for a glass of water just to spit it into the sink. Dawn finally creeps up on him. It’s only then that he accepts that Jensen’s not going to show up and allows himself to close his eyes and sleep restlessly for a few hours.
Morning finds him in an empty apartment. His whole body aches like he’s been beaten up. There’s a note Danneel’s left him on the kitchen table telling him to make himself whatever he wants for breakfast and how to work the coffee machine. He feels sick to his stomach at the thought of food. Coffee sounds like a blessing though, so he makes some, then aimlessly wanders around the apartment with a cup in his hand. He barely remembers to take a sip or two before it goes completely cold, and he gives up on it.
It’s almost noon when the phone rings. He doesn’t answer, of course. It could be anyone, and chances are, that anyone would be speaking German. He lets the machine takes it and after an unintelligible string of words and the inevitable beep, Jensen’s voice comes through.
“Jared? Are you there?”
Jared jumps up and gets to the phone, then stops, eyeing it warily.
“Jared?” Jensen tries again. “If you’re there, please pick up.”
That snaps Jared out of his numbness and he picks the phone up. “Yeah?” he barely whispers.
“Hey,” Jensen says and Jared feels like he’s been drowning and someone’s just pumped air back into his lungs.
“Jensen, Jensen, you have to believe me, Tom’s just a friend, I swear to you! He’s not… there’s no one… I would never… Jensen, please…” he breathes out.
“Hey, hey, calm down,” he hears Jensen say. “It’s okay, really. Look, they’re sending me home from work. They said I looked like death warmed over,” he laughs briefly. “I was thinking I could come over. If you want.”
“Yes!” Jared yells, then tries to regain some of his dignity. “I mean, yeah, sure. I’ve been going out of my mind here anyway. With boredom!” The last part he adds hastily.
Jensen chuckles. “Okay,” he says. “I’ll see you then in about an hour.”
It takes Jensen exactly fifty-eight minutes to get there. Jared knows because if he wasn’t pacing through the living room, he was compulsively checking the time. When Jensen comes up, Jared’s waiting for him with the doors wide open. Jensen immediately drops his bag on the floor and presses him against the wall, but not before Jared takes in Jensen’s pale face and the dark circles around his eyes. He kisses him roughly, wasting no time before he’s unzipping him right there and then. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry is said with every stroke, with every ragged breath they unwillingly take. Breathing means parting their lips and neither of them wants it.
Jensen jerks Jared off in no more than a couple of minutes, then he’s guiding him backwards to the living room, leaving the trail of scattered clothes behind. He bends Jared over the side of the couch and fucks him with almost no prep at all, just a few token thrusts of his spit-slick fingers in and out. Jared lets him do it. He’d let him take anything he wanted.
When he comes, Jensen falls on top of Jared, panting. He doesn’t say anything for the longest time, then kisses him between the shoulder blades, and gets off of him.
After Jared cleans himself up and comes back from the bathroom, Jensen’s sitting on the couch with a beer in his hand, the rest of the six pack on the table.
“I brought beer,” he says with a quick glance in Jared’s direction. As far as apologies go, Jared’s had better, but he’s willing to let it slide.
“Oh honey,” he squeaks as he curls into Jensen’s side, “you bought me booze!”
He can feel Jensen relax into him and let go of the breath Jared didn’t even realise he was holding.
“Oh come on,” Jensen says. “Not like it’s the first time.”
“I’m pretty sure it is,” Jared argues. “I think I’d remember you getting me drunk to exploit my virtue.”
“Champagne,” Jensen points out. “When we first met.”
“Pfft,” Jared waves it off. “That doesn’t count. That wasn’t just for me.”
“Right,” Jensen deadpans. “Because really, I was trying to impress Chad the whole time.”
Jared laughs and pulls him into a kiss. They make out lazily for a while when Jared abruptly says: “I’m flying home on Sunday.”
“Already?” Jensen asks incredulously.
“I was supposed to stay for two weeks,” Jared says not looking at him. “I outstayed my welcome. My Mom asked me the other day if I was maybe staying for good without telling her,” he laughs mirthlessly.
Jensen doesn’t say anything for so long that it startles Jared when he finally speaks.
“Well,” he says, voice devoid of all emotion, “we knew it was coming all along.”
They just lay there silent until Josh comes home. If he’s surprised to see Jensen there, he doesn’t show it. When he asks what they’ve been doing all day long, Jared waves the hand he’s holding the remote with in the vague direction of the TV. He hopes Josh doesn’t ask what was on. He hasn’t got a clue.
The week passes by in a blur. Jared honestly can’t say where the days went. One day he’s getting little gifts for friends and family back home, and the next it’s Friday and he’s back at Danneel’s for what he knows is his last night wit Jensen.
They order in Chinese. He jokes and says it should’ve been some traditional German food, but no one wants to eat bratwurst and sauerkraut. It’s hard for him to eat anything, really. That doesn’t stop him from ripping his fortune cookie with the enthusiasm of a five year old. He frowns at the German writing on the tiny paper.
“This is Chinese to me,” he says, and Danneel reads it out for him: “Das nächste Geschenk, das Sie erhalten, würden Sie für nichts in der Welt umtauschen. Meaning, the next gift you receive, you wouldn’t give up for anything in the world.”
Sappy as it is, Jared thinks he’s already got everything he could think of.
He’s got Jensen pressed against his side, their fingers intertwined, and there’s nowhere he’d rather be. He can’t ignore the ticking of the proverbial clock, though. Once the lights are out and he’s got Jensen’s warm skin covering him, the ticking only gets louder.
Jensen’s kissing him slowly, tracing every inch of his body with his clever fingers, and Jared really wants to enjoy it, wants to savour these last moments. He just… can’t. Instead, he’s staring at the ceiling, already a million miles away, somewhere in the future. He knows it’s stupid, he knows he’s wasting precious time, but he can’t help it.
Jensen must notice it because he stops whatever he’s doing, braces himself on his elbows above Jared, and looks at him.
“What’s wrong?” he asks. “You want me to stop?”
“No, of course not,” Jared says, and he doesn’t, he just wishes he could get into it. He wishes he could shut his brain out and think with his dick like a normal guy would. It doesn’t work.
“Jared, tell me what’s wrong,” Jensen repeats. Jared takes a deep breath, then speaks.
“It just… this is our last night together. I want it… I want it to be…” he huffs irritably. “I wanted it to be special. God! I’m sorry, I’m being a girl.”
“No, you’re not. We’re not children, Jared. You can talk to me, you know,” Jensen soothes.
“Yeah,” Jared agrees halfheartedly.
“I’ll tell you what,” Jensen says. “How about we just don’t do anything for a while?”
Jared instantly feels the tension releasing. “Yeah,” he says. “That would be good.”
Jensen is amazing. He just holds Jared and rubs circles on his back, not saying anything, until Jared cranes his head up and kisses his neck. Things heat up in no time and soon Jensen has Jared begging him to fuck him now.
“I want you to ride me,” Jensen says, and makes Jared hide his face into the crook of his neck and shake his head.
“Why not?” he asks. “I think you’d love it.” Jared just shrugs not lifting his head.
“Jared,” Jensen says, clear amusement in his voice. “Are you… embarrassed?” Jared’s face heat up and he wishes the earth would swallow him. He keeps his eyes shut tightly when Jensen presses a finger under his chin and lifts his head up. “You’re adorable, you know that?”
Jared rolls his eyes and determines to show Jensen adorable. Bracing himself on one arm, he positions himself above Jensen and slides down on his dick in a quick move. He hisses with the burn.
“Easy,” Jensen says, but that doesn’t make it go away and Jared can’t move. Carefully, Jensen pulls out and lays Jared back down.
“It’s hopeless,” he says jokingly. “You fuck up all my hard work.” Jared swats him on the head, then pulls him down into a laughing kiss. “Shut up and fuck me,” he mutters, and Jensen does.
The alarm set on Jensen’s cell phone is supposed to give them enough time to say goodbye. It doesn’t. He’s got Jensen wrapped tightly in his arms and he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to let him go. Jensen stirs a little, opens his eyes, and smiles. There’s no joy in it.
“Hi,” he says quietly.
Jared doesn’t say anything, just kisses him. He’s memorising it all: the feel of the skin on Jensen’s back underneath his hands, the taste of Jensen’s tongue in his mouth, and the warmth of Jensen’s breath on his neck when he breaks the kiss and snuggles into him.
He fights the tears for the briefest moment but it’s a lost battle and he lets them flow freely, holding Jensen a little closer.
“Hey, hey, c’mon, don’t cry,” Jensen says in between the kisses. It has to be at least a little bit gross, the tears and the snot (because Jared is full on sobbing by now), but he doesn’t seem to mind. “This isn’t a goodbye, you know it isn’t.”
But it sure as hell feels like one to Jared. Especially when Jensen extricates himself from his arms and gets up.
“I have to… I gotta… I don’t want to, God, I don’t want to but I have to get to work,” he says and goes to the bathroom. Jared uses the time he’s away to pull himself together as best as he can, so when Jensen gets back, he’s sitting in the bed, staring at his hands. The bed dips under Jensen’s weight.
“I really have to go,” he says quietly.
“I know,” Jared murmurs and he hates that he sounds like a petulant child but he just cannot help it.
“Look at me,” Jensen pleads, but Jared just shakes his head. “You think this is easy for me?”
“I don’t know… Yes?”
“Well no, it isn’t. I wish I could stay. I wish you could stay. But you know it’s not happening, at least for now.”
He moves up to sit next to Jared and pulls him closer. “I will come to see you. In a couple of months. We’ll talk all the time. You can text me and we’ll e-mail. And I’m coming over there soon. Okay?”
He lifts Jared’s chin up and holds it until he nods.
“Okay,” he smiles. “I… I really have to go now, Jared.”
And then that’s it. One last kiss, the one Jared refuses to break until Jensen pushes him away, gently but resolutely, and then he’s gone.
Jared still has to pack before the farewell dinner later tonight; they’re just about to leave the apartment, when Danneel’s cell goes off. She answers, then hands him the phone saying: “It’s Jensen.”
“Hello?” he barely chokes out.
“Hey,” Jensen says on the other end. “I just wanted to say… I don’t think I’ll get the chance to talk to you later, so I guess… have a safe trip home, Jared.”
Jared doesn’t really know what to say to that (thanks? seriously?), so he doesn’t say anything.
“Jared?” Jensen sounds insecure for a moment, so uncharacteristic for him. “Are you there? Are you… are you okay?”
Jared’s having trouble breathing, let alone thinking or finishing his sentences. “I don’t want to… I don’t think I can… I couldn’t eat a thing earlier.” He doesn’t know why he says that.
“Well, maybe you should try using your mouth. I don’t recall doing anything to it,” Jensen says and Jared can tell he’s smirking.
“Fuck you,” he says, but he can’t help smiling a little.
“Mm yeah, that rings a bell.” Jensen’s trying to make him laugh, so Jared makes an effort to do so, but it comes out more like a whimper.
“Oh yeah, I definitely remember that. Tell Danny I hope the neighbours didn’t complain too much.”
Jared blushes and laughs for real now. “I’ll tell her no such thing. Hey listen,” he adds, “we’re having some sort of a farewell dinner tonight. You should come.”
“Jared…” Jensen trails off with a sigh.
“No, I mean, you know, only if you…”
“We’ll see, okay? But I’m not making any promises. I think maybe it’s best if… Sorry, Jared, I gotta go, they need me. I…” he pauses as if he can’t decide whether to say something or not. “I’ll be seeing you, Jared.” And with that he hangs up.
Jensen doesn’t come to the dinner, and if Jared’s being honest with himself, he didn’t really expect him to. Josh, Danneel, Sophia, and Chad are there, and to Jared’s surprise, he doesn’t have the time to mope. He pointedly refuses to acknowledge the empty chair across the table.
They share childhood memories and laugh till they cry. Danneel tells them about the time when Jared was just a baby and he peed up Sophia’s nose. Chad laughs so hard he snorts beer through his nose and calls Sophia So-PEE-a for the rest of the night. It’s only funny for the first couple of times.
They talk about this and that, but when they come to the topic of weddings, Chad pulls out a pack of cigarettes and announces he’s going out for a smoke. Then he drags Jared along. Sophia rolls her eyes, but doesn’t say anything.
“You smoke?” Jared asks incredulously. “I had no idea.”
Chad laughs. “I don’t, actually, but it’s an awesome excuse to get out when I need to.”
“You’re evil,” Jared says fondly. He can’t help but like him. This weird, douchey guy somehow got under his skin when he wasn’t looking.
“So where’s the lover boy?” Chad asks and Jared immediately re-evaluates his feelings. “I figured he’d be here.”
“He… I don’t really know,” Jared gives up on trying to make an excuse for Jensen. “I really wanted him to be here. I… honestly, I don’t know how I’m gonna… I’m gonna miss him so much.”
Chad takes a step back and raises his hands as if to keep Jared away.
“Dude. Don’t tell me gay shit like that.”
“What did I… What the hell, Chad? You were the one who brought up the subject of gay sex not so long ago, but this you have a problem with?”
“Yeah well, taking it up the ass is like, a million times less gay than talking about missing taking it up the ass.”
“Whatever, dude. You’re a freak.”
“You love it and you’ll miss me, bitch,” Chad says patting him on the shoulder. Jared knows it’s Chad’s way of comforting him. He’s probably counting it as hug, the idiot.
“Yeah,” Jared says, and he means it.
“C’mon,” Chad says after a few moments of awkward silence. “Let’s go make sure they didn’t somehow tie me to the old ball and chain in absentia up there.”
“Chad, did you just speak Latin?”
“Shut up, princess. I’ve got layers, okay?” Chad sounds somewhat offended. “And just so you know, if they do trick me into marrying, you’ll be the flower girl.”
Getting on the plane home is the hardest thing Jared’s ever had to do. He doesn’t cry, but he feels nauseous, his eyes red and puffy. There’s a woman in the seat next to him that says: “Are you okay, sweetie?” He nods, and she smiles knowingly: “Leaving some nice girl behind, huh?”
“Something like that,” he says in cracked voice, and shoves his earphones in his ears, turning the volume on his discman up. Maybe, if the music’s loud enough, it will drown out the thoughts in his head.
Despite the Jensen-shaped hole he’s got carved in his heart, it feels good to be home. His mom gets a bear hug and a son that’s a little more grown up than he was a month ago. Tom gets a random Bravo Hits CD, just what the fucker deserves. Jared’s actually pretty sure he’s gonna like it because he’s an idiot like that, and it feels vindicated when Tom ends up humming Es ist geil ein Arschloch zu sein for the next few weeks. Sandy gets a bottle of Hugo Boss’ brand new perfume Deep Red. She also gets all the dirty details. She claims it’s the best present ever. Jared gets an empty bed. He doesn’t think it’s a fair trade.
For a while, Jared exchanges text messages and e-mails with Jensen almost all the time. He wakes up to Jensen’s good morning and goes to sleep with his good night. They chat on MSN when they happen to be online at the same time, which is not that often due to different time zones. They even try chat sex once. Jared hates every second of it, missing the feel of Jensen’s touch on him and refuses to repeat the experience.
In April, Jensen and his dad come to Texas. There’s a wedding to attend somewhere near Amarillo, and Jared expects Jensen to visit, if only for a short while. He knows it’s a long drive but Jensen said he’d come. Jared makes a promise to himself: if Jensen makes it, he’s going to go back to Germany in summer. If he has to beg, steal, or borrow, he’s going to be there.
He knows Jensen’s only staying in the States for a week, but he’s sure he can steal a couple of days for him. On the day of Jensen’s arrival he wakes up at dawn. He’s too excited to sleep. He spends the day yelling at everyone who so much as looks at the phone, and he keeps checking his cell for signal and battery about every five minutes.
Finally, late in the afternoon the call comes.
“Hello?” he says breathlessly.
“Hey, Jared,” Jensen says and Jared knows, he knows, by the tone of his voice that he’s not coming. “Listen…”
“You’re not coming, are you?” Jared tries really hard to keep the disappointment out of his voice, but he can tell he’s failing miserably.
“I wanted to,” Jensen says.
“Bull! If you wanted to, you would. It’s that simple,” Jared grits out.
“Jared, please…” Jensen sounds tired, but Jared finds it hard to sympathise. “It’s not, it’s not that simple.”
Jared’s not listening to him anymore. “D’you know I was gonna come back to my aunt’s in the summer? I don’t know how, but I was gonna make it somehow. I was gonna cross the ocean for you. And you can’t even make a few hundred miles for me.”
“Jared. I can’t get out of this. I’m needed here.”
“Why can’t you just say you’re visiting me for a couple of days?” Jared knows he’s whining, and he’s just about to take that back when he realises Jensen is awfully quiet.
“Oh my God,” he breathes when it hits him. “He doesn’t know, does he? Your dad. You haven’t told him. You were never going to tell him.”
“Jared…” Jensen tries weakly, but Jared cuts him off.
“God, I was so stupid! Josh warned me, but I thought… I don’t even know what I was thinking!” Jared’s yelling now but he doesn’t even care. “Why did you even… Is this your idea of fun? Fuck, Jensen! Just… Fuck this!”
He slams the phone down and doesn’t pick up when it rings again. He doesn’t read the few mails that come in the following weeks. He deletes the texts the moment he sees the sender’s name.
The disappointment hits him hard. For days he mopes around the house. Rationally, he knows that Jensen never promised him anything, but still he hoped that… He just hoped, is all.
It’s his mother who snaps him out of it. She sits him down and talks to him.
“Honey, I know you’re hurt,” she says gently, but meaning business. “But if he wasn’t willing to fight for you, then he’s not worth your pain. You need to let it go, sweetie.”
It’s funny how mothers are indeed always right. It’s pretty fucking depressing, too.
To Jared’s surprise, the person he stays in touch with is Chad. Even a year and a half later, they e-mail pretty regularly (mostly Chad just sends him links to porn) so Jared knows what goes on in everyone’s life even before Sophia calls him or his mom talks to her sister. He was the first in his family to find out that Danneel’s pregnant all thanks to Chad, who must’ve used some sort of a web tool to create a huge sparkling gif that read “Josh knocked Danny up!” Jared thought the blinking penises in the background were overkill, though.
They chat via MSN at times too, mostly when Chad’s at work. The guy’s responsible like that. It’s what they’re doing, Chad in the middle of describing a lap dance some random friend of his got at his bachelor party, when he suddenly types: “Speaking of, Jensen’s getting married.”
Jared stares at the screen of his computer. The letters dance in front of his eyes and he’s trying to think of something to type but nothing comes to mind. It’s all the same, his fingers feel numb anyway, it’s not like he could type even if he tried to.
Chad doesn’t notice the lack of reply, or he does but decides to ignore it, and continues: “Some chick named Stephanie. I dunno where she came from, man. One day the guy’s sucking dicks like it’s going out of style, and the next he’s dragging around the ball and chain. What the fuck, amirite or amirite? Like, the other night, we were all hanging out and she said something, something random, I dunno, and he starts yelling at her, like, flips out, totally loses it. I swear, it’s like I don’t even know who the guy is anymore.”
At that point he apparently does notice Jared hasn’t said a thing for a while so he types: “Jared? You there, man? Dude, is this thing working? Did you get anything I wrote? Fuck this, one day I’m gonna throw this piece of junk through the window if it keeps fucking up.”
Jared snaps out of his stupor and writes: “I got it. Can we now not talk about Jensen?”
And he’s got to give it to Chad, he knows when to shut up.
Jared snaps out of his reverie. He looks down at his hand and finds the photograph still in his hand. He’s kissing Jensen in it. He realises only now that Jensen isn’t even looking at him. He’s looking at the TV, if he remembers correctly. He sticks the photo back behind the picture of the twins and puts the album down. Then he picks up the phone.
“Hi, Mom, it’s me.”
“Oh hi, honey. I take it you got the message.”
“Yeah… listen, I don’t think I’m gonna be able to… you know, work and… the dogs… Maybe Meg could take her boyfriend if she wants to go.”
“Jared,” his Mom sighs. “Don’t you think Sophia and Chad deserve as much as you showing up at their wedding? You should go.”
“Mom…” He rubs his forehead. “I’ll think about… I’ll see if I can make it, okay? Is that good enough?”
After a brief pause she says: “Okay. Whatever you say.” And then, as if she doesn’t really mean for him to hear, she adds: “I thought you let it go.”
Not a whole minute after he hits send Chad’s squinting face pops up in the Skype window and Jared has no choice than to pick up.
“You listen to me now, you ginormous fag! You get your giant flamingo ass to my wedding or I’m coming to drag you over here myself. We need a flower girl!”
Jared laughs. “Fuck you,” he says, and then adds in a more serious tone: “I really don’t think I’ll be able to-”
“Just so you know, someone’s been asking about you.”
“Chad, I’m warning you-”
“Or what? You’re not gonna come to see me get hitched? Look at me tremble.”
“I don’t want to talk about him. He’s married and-”
“… I don’t care… Wait, wha-”
“Apparently, he decided he needed more balls in his life than he currently had.”
“Chad,” Jared frowns, “don’t be mean to the poor girl.”
“Who said anything about her? I’m talking about Jensen, man!”
“What? I don’t… What are you… huh?” Jared puts together eloquently.
“Yeah, man. He finally grew a pair, told his Dad to fuck off, quit his job, moved out, filed for a divorce… It was beautiful! I mean, I wasn’t there , but damn, I wish I were!”
Jared just stares at Chad’s smirking face. Then his own grin almost splits his face in two.
“Chad,” he says carefully, “how would you feel about a coffee maker as a wedding gift?”
“Oh no, you fucker,” Chad says. “I deserve no less than a 40-inch LCD TV. And you have to wear a pink dress.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say,” Jared waves him off. “Now hang up, I have a flight to book. There are places to go, people to see, and apparently, flowers to throw.”
Listen or download Flugzeuge im Bauch HERE.
TIMESTAMP TO FiB: The Wedding