Rating: PG-13 to NC-17... maybe
Word count: 7 800-ish for this part
Warnings: Chad Michael Murray. Nothing to do with this fic, it's just best to avoid him in general.
Summary: A call from across the ocean takes Jared back to being 19. Not literally.
Disclaimer: So very not real. Imagine that.
Ich kann allein sein, und das weisst du auch - und doch
Hab´ ich Flugzeuge in meinem Bauch
Gib mir mein - gib mir mein Herz zurück
Du brauchst meine Liebe nicht
Gib mir mein Herz zurück, bevor es auseinander bricht
Je eher, je eher du gehst - um so leichter, um so leichter
Wird´s für mich
I can be alone, and you know it, too - and yet
I have butterflies in my belly
Give me my - give me my heart back
You don't need my love
Give me my heart back, before it breaks in two
The sooner, the sooner you go - the easier, the easier
It'll be for me
("Flugzeuge im Bauch" - Oli P.)
A/N: This whole thing wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for maichan . I can’t even begin to tell you how much I am grateful for the constant help she provides. What I write and what you read are two very different things, all thanks to her.
I *heart* you.
Jared comes home to the flickering light of his answering machine.
"Hi, honey," his mother's voice comes through. "Guess what?" She pauses as if she's waiting for him to ask what. He doesn't disappoint, even if he knows she can't really hear him. "Sophia and Chad are finally getting married! She says he finally manned up and proposed, but I think it was her who put her foot down." She laughs briefly and Jared can see her shaking her head at the youth today. Then she continues: "So she wanted to know if the two of you were coming to the wedding. Call me when you get this. And eat something that classifies as a proper meal! Love you, honey."
He doesn't call her back immediately. Instead, he feeds the dogs, eats a sandwich that he can't really taste, opens himself a bottle of beer, and pulls out a family album.
It's him, Danneel, and Sophia in the first picture. God, he looks so young, probably because he was young. He flips through the photographs, familiar faces of his cousins, aunts and uncles in a million combinations.
He stops at the picture of Josh and Danneel and their twins. It's a pretty recent picture as the twins are almost two years old in it. The girl, Amber, is dark haired and dark eyed, with killer dimples. She smiles brightly into the camera, her arm curled protectively around her brother's shoulder. Ashley (and really, Danneel must've seen Gone With the Wind one too many times) is a total opposite of his sister. He's got golden hair, skin sprinkled with freckles, and emerald green eyes. His smile is shy, barely there.
Jared feels butterflies in his belly for reasons that have little to do with the cuteness of toddlers. He hears Josh's voice in his head: "It's just my luck that both of my kids take after their uncles." He laughs to himself, and pulls another picture out.
It's a different picture, but the green eyes that are staring at him are the same.
“You might as well do it,” his mother says to him. “If you’re taking a year off, it’s the best chance you’re ever gonna get to go visit your aunt.”
“I know,” Jared answers, but he doesn’t sound too convinced. “But what if I hate it there?”
“Why would you hate it? You love your cousins and your aunt and she’s been bugging you to come forever.”
“I don’t know, Mom. What if I die of boredom? What if I starve?”
“You will not starve,” his mother laughs a little. “And even if you do get bored, it’s only gonna be two weeks. You’ll live.”
And he knows she has a point. It’s not like he’s doing anything important right now and a change of scenery would probably do him good before he starts college next year. He does miss his cousins. They used to be really close before they moved all the way across the ocean.
His aunt took his cousins, Danneel and Sophia, to Germany when he was 9 years old and he missed them like he would have missed his own sisters. Especially Sophia. The six years age difference never meant much between them, so when she came to visit 4 years ago, and no one told him she was coming so it would be a surprise, he cried like a little girl. What? He’s man enough to admit it.
So yes, he is going to Germany. Even if he starves and dies of boredom while his cousins work and do whatever it is that grown up people do, it will still be worth it when he gets to spend some time with Sophia.
And so two months later he gets on a plane and flies across the ocean to Europe. He’s 19 and it’s his first flight ever and he’s more than a little nervous but he sucks it up, puts on a brave face, and just does it.
The plane lands in Frankfurt on a gray, misty Sunday morning. It’s so cold he instantly regrets leaving Texas. He is so not ready for February in a frozen Hell. The feeling goes away the moment he spots his aunt waving frantically at him. Warmth flushes over him and the next thing he knows, he’s hugging her, lifting her from the ground effortlessly. He only shakes hands with his uncle, though. He doesn’t really know him. Max is his aunt’s second husband whom he’s met only once, years ago. He doesn’t speak English and Jared sure as Hell doesn’t speak German, so they shake hands, nod and smile, and then they’re on their way home.
Jared wants to sleep a little, or maybe for a week, he’s pretty tired after spending the flight with his legs practically curled into him, but before he even gets the chance to doze off, Danneel is there with her new husband, Josh. Jared thanks all gods Josh’s parents are Americans so he speaks English. He’s not surprised, though. He knows foreigners tend to gravitate to their own, and they like to keep close.
Josh is nice and he can tell immediately Danneel’s head over heels in love with him, but they can’t get a word in edgewise because she’s already on a roll planing his stay. Starting with tonight.
“We’re just gonna go for a drink,” Danneel says. “It’s a small American bar, nothing fancy, just a place for us to meet our friends.”
“Is Sophia coming?” he asks because he really can’t wait to see her.
“Yeah, she and Chad will meet us there.”
Jared grins happily. Suddenly he doesn’t feel tired at all and he’s more than a little happy to be there.
Danneel and Josh stay for a little while and when they’re leaving, they ask him to come with them. He’s sure Danneel just wants to flaunt her new husband, her new marriage, her new apartment, and above all, her being all grown up and responsible. Jared weighs his options for a second: spending the day with Danneel and Josh or with his aunt and an uncle he can’t talk to. It’s not much of a dilemma.
“Do I need to dress up tonight?” he asks.
“Oh no,” Danneel waves her hand dismissively. “You’re fine the way you are. Come on, let’s go.”
The bar is… well, it’s red. The walls are red, the chairs are red, the tiles on the floor are red. Jared feels hot the moment he gets in. The fact that the place is pretty much packed doesn’t help, either. There’s a band playing in the corner on a tiny stage and it’s a weird mixture of country and rock and pop songs, most of which are older than himself, but there are people dancing and singing along, so it’s clearly working.
They manage to grab a table next to it. It’s a little too loud and the nearby dancers elbow him in the head every once in a while, but he’s still having a pretty good time. He has a cold beer in his hand and Sophia by his side. It’s rather difficult to catch up, he can barely hear himself think. It doesn’t stop Chad, Sophia’s boyfriend, to try to regale their merry bunch with stories Jared doesn’t find to be particularly amusing, mostly just gross. He decides to give him the benefit of a doubt nonetheless – if Sophia loves him, he can’t be all bad. Maybe he’s an acquired taste.
Jared’s nursing his second beer (he’s really starting to like this country, if only for its drinking laws) when a guy in a suit approaches their table. Before even Jared gets to question his wardrobe choice (who suits up for a bar on a Sunday night anyway?), he’s pulling a chair out and settling down next to him.
“That’s Jensen, my brother,” Josh says.
“Oh… hi. I’m Jared,” Jared says as they shake hands. The guy’s grip is warm and firm, but not in a pissing contest kind of way, and the smile he gives him is a friendly one.
“So you’re Danny’s cousin from Texas?”
“Yeah,” Jared says. “My Mom and their Mom are-”
“Two Moms?” Jensen offers and grins.
Jared laughs. It’s not the greatest joke but he appreciates the effort.
“Heh, yeah, that, but also sisters.”
“Right. So how do you like Germany?”
“I dunno. I only just got here this morning,” Jared says and wants to kick himself when he realises the tone he said it with left no room for keeping the conversation going. It’s obvious Jensen got the same memo because he just gives a small nod and turns away from him to talk to Josh.
Jared searches desperately for something to say but nothing comes to mind, so he just takes another sip of his beer and tries to focus on the story Chad is telling. He’s in the middle of an elaborate narrative involving himself, two of his friends, a truck, and a sheep, and Jared is more than a little glad he didn’t quite catch the details. It’s not that Chad is necessarily a bad guy, it’s just that Jared thinks that the less you know about the inner workings of his mind, the better.
He excuses himself to go visit the little boys’ room. Belatedly he realises those were the exact words he used, and it comes to him as a clear sign it’s time he cut down on the drinking, but when he comes back, there’s a bottle of champagne on the table and tall glasses filled with bubbly, golden liquid.
“We celebrating something?” he asks.
“Jensen apparently is,” Sophia says, and Jensen just shrugs.
“Not really. Just felt like drinking it.”
“Well, I think little Jay here’s had enough,” Sophia laughs when he trips and almost falls as he’s taking his seat.
“I can hold my booze just fine, thank you very much,” he says blushing slightly. He doesn’t know why, but he feels like he’s got something to prove to this Jensen person.
The truth is, he really can’t hold his drinks, and by the time they’re ready to go home, he’s more than a little buzzed. In fact, he completely missed it when Chad excused himself and went home, leaving Sophia behind. So when Josh asks Jensen if he could take Sophia home, and Jared immediately wishes it was him getting in that car, he decides to blame it on the buzz. He hugs Sophia goodbye and waves awkwardly at Jensen, and if he’s trying a little too hard not to stare at his lips, well, at least he managed to keep his thoughts to himself.
The next couple of days are uneventful, unless he counts Jensen’s face popping up in his mind way too often. He spends time with his aunt, goes grocery shopping with her, takes walks around the neighbourhood. While she’s at work, he lays on the couch and watches TV. Just for the record, German music channels are simply horrible. Like, they play way too much German music. And who knew they dub everything? He certainly didn’t. So yes, maybe he’s a bit bored at times, but he finds out that his aunt is a pretty good cook (and is willing to indulge him, too), and he’s pretty sure by now he’s not going to starve. Die of boredom maybe, but not starve.
It turns out that Sophia is really busy most of the time and it’s disappointing. He was really looking forward to spending time with her. It’s not that he doesn’t like Danneel, he loves her, she’s family, but the two of them never hit it off as well as Sophia and he did. Still, he jumps at the chance to go spend Wednesday afternoon at her place.
He and Josh get along pretty well. They’re both into basketball and he learns that Josh designs video games for a living. He even lets him test a few in pre-production and Jared ends up having a pretty good time.
Danneel cooks them pasta for dinner, and just as he’s stuffing his face, the doorbell goes off. He nearly chokes when Jensen steps in. Suddenly, his appetite is gone and he doesn’t know where to look or what his hands are for. He feels as if the air got sucked out of the room and can only pray his feelings aren’t written all over his face.
They end up doing nothing, really. Some German (duh) show is on TV and it’s obviously funny since Josh and Jensen are howling with laughter, but he only understands every twelfth word or so, so he really can’t keep up. Instead, he’s looking at some car magazine he finds under the coffee table. He realises it’s pretty antisocial of him, but he’s not the one to force a conversation or spoil everyone else’s fun.
He doesn’t expect the hand that smacks the magazine right out of his grip. He looks up in confusion and Jensen says: “Why aren’t you watching with us?”
“Because I can’t understand a word,” Jared says. It’s not his fault everything in Germany is in German!
“Well, maybe you should try harder,” Jensen retorts and Jared rolls his eyes. Jensen is a bit of a jerk, he learns. Attractive, but a jerk nonetheless. He doesn’t say anything, though, just picks the magazine up and goes back to it.
Some time later, Danneel yawns. It’s got to be contagious because Jared yawns right after, and then Josh, and then Jensen, who gets up and says: “Well, time to hit the sack.”
Josh gets up as well, looks around in search of his car keys, then stops.
“Hey, Jen, do you mind giving Jared a ride? I’m pretty beat and it’s on your way. I mean, if it’s inconvenient for you, if you have somewhere else to-”
“No problem,” Jensen interrupts him. “Like you said, it’s on my way anyway.”
Jared’s stomach makes a somersault and he has to mentally slap himself to be able to focus on Danneel who’s talking to him. Well, at him.
“Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that,” he says and feels his cheeks heat up. This is getting ridiculous. He’s got to pull himself together before he does something embarrassing, like, confess his undying love to Jensen right there and then.
“I said,” she smiles as if she can see right through him (and he realises she probably can), “if you’d rather have Josh drive you, he will.”
“No, no!” He can’t get it out fast enough. “No, this is… it’s fine, really. Je- Jensen can take me.” He cringes at the inadvertent pun.
“Good. That’s settled then,” Josh claps his hands and stretches, before he sees them to the door.
Jared follows Jensen down the stairs in awkward silence, swearing he’s not the only one feeling the almost unbearable tension between them. He can tell Jensen is tense in the way he walks, in the way he holds himself upright. In the way he doesn’t look back at him once.
“This way,” is the only thing Jensen says between the time they leave the apartment and are well on their way out of the block. And even that he doesn’t say to him, just throws it vaguely in his direction.
Jared’s senses are on high alert which makes buckling the seat belt sound like an explosion in his ears. He coughs once in a feeble attempt of breaking the tension. It doesn’t work particularly well. He racks his brain for something to say for a minute or two and then goes for: “I hope Josh gave you some detailed directions because I have no idea where I am.”
Jensen just smirks, lets it hang out there for a little while. Then he says: “Don’t worry. You’re in good hands.” Somehow, he manages to make it sound both like a threat and a promise.
Jared wasn’t lying, though. He’s been down this road for four times now, but direction has never been one of his stronger suits, and he really doesn’t have a clue where they are or how much time with Jensen he still has left. That is, until he recognises a bank he knows for certain is in close proximity of his aunt’s place, and that’s only because he actually walked past it this very morning. He sighs. Loudly, it appears, even though he was aiming for inwardly.
“What?” Jensen asks immediately.
Jared is alarmed for a second because he can’t quite say “oh you know, I just really don’t wanna leave this car without at least kissing you,” now can he? Instead, he just says: “Nothing.”
Clearly, he’s a master conversationalist. Jensen gives him a side glance, so he adds: “Just… We’re almost there and I don’t feel like moving.”
“Well,” Jensen says in a low voice, “do you want me to keep driving then?”
Jared really, really does. He doesn’t trust his voice, so he nods, not looking at Jensen. Jensen doesn’t turn left, just steps on it. Jared closes his eyes and settles a little lower in his seat.
It’s not exactly comfortable after that, but now that it’s clear they’re on the same page, it’s better uncomfortable. He’s got butterflies in his stomach and he shivers. It’s a stupid thing that happens whenever he’s turned on.
“You cold?” Jensen asks.
“No, I… No.”
“I should take you home. Wouldn’t want you getting sick on me. What would Danny say if I broke her cousin the first night I had him?”
Jared’s breath catches. He clears his throat.
“Uh… yeah. We- we wouldn’t want that.”
Jensen parks the car across the street from Jared’s aunt’s apartment. The street is entirely too well lit for… well, it’s pretty bright for midnight, is all.
“So…” Jared begins. “Thanks for the… uh… thanks for the ride.”
“Anytime”, Jensen says. The bastard is smirking.
“OK, well… good night.” And before he can stop himself, he offers his hand for Jensen to shake. “I am trying to SHAKE HIS HAND!” he thinks in panic, but it’s too late, because Jensen takes it.
He doesn’t shake it, though. Thank God at least one of them seems to know what to do next, because Jensen takes his hand and pulls him in. Jared goes only too willingly. The first touch of their lips is tentative, but before he knows it, he’s got Jensen’s tongue in his mouth. It feels awesome, a lick here, a bite there, but it’s not enough, it’s not nearly enough. Without thinking, he climbs into Jensen’s lap and straddles him. And oh fuck, is it uncomfortable! The steering wheel is jabbing into his spine while his knee is pressed against the door at an awkward angle. His elbow bumps against the window as he struggles to find a better position. He can only hope what he feels under him isn’t the stick. But then Jensen’s lips are on his neck, one hand is curled in his hair and the other is under his shirt, and he can’t really feel anything but the heat unraveling in his belly and going straight to his dick.
“Oh God, ” he pants. “You’re… oh, you’re… really good at this.”
“I don’t know…” Jensen says in between nibbing on the skin of his neck, “how you do it in the States… but here… we don’t talk… we do.”
And Jared can really get behind that philosophy.
He doesn’t remember later how he gets home. He’s willing to bet good money his feet haven’t touched the floor, though.
Josh proclaims Saturday to be the Guys’ Night Out, the guys being himself, his best man Chris, Jared and, for some reason, Chad. Jared can’t think of any way of asking about Jensen that wouldn’t raise suspicion, so he just doesn’t. It’s not that he’s hiding something himself, he’s just not sure whether Jensen had said anything to Josh or not. Hell, he’s not even sure if Jensen thinks there’s anything to tell. They made out in the car like a couple of horny teenagers (which Jared technically is), but that’s all. So he keeps his mouth shut.
Jared’s grateful for the effort Josh puts into entertaining him. The alternative was going to his uncle’s friend’s birthday. His uncle’s friend’s sixty-fifth birthday. With or without Jensen, and yes, even with Chad, this is undoubtedly a better plan. Even if Chad thinks everyone simply has to know which of the women they pass on the street he finds “doable” (which by Chad’s dubious judgment is 98% of entire female population).
Chris doesn’t say much. Actually, he barely says a word to Jared and it’s not until later he finds out it’s because he doesn’t speak English all that well. He smiles a few times at him and doesn’t ignore him or anything, so it’s all good. Chad’s making enough noise for the four of them anyway.
“Ooh!” he yells suddenly. “Let’s go gambling!”
“We can’t, ” Josh points out. “Jared’s not legal.”
“Hey, I’m 19!” Jared objects.
“You have to be 21,” Josh informs him. He deflates. “Oh. Sorry.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Jared. It’s hardly your fault. Besides, my plan’s better anyway,” Josh waves him off.
“How can it be better than gambling?” Chad demands.
“Go-go dancers,” Josh announces proudly. “Brazilian go-go dancers.”
Jared wishes he could be as excited as the three other men are.
He finds out soon that what he lacks in finding women sexually appealing can easily be compensated in booze. It’s amazing what people can learn about themselves while dancing the limbo with half-naked Brazilian go-go dancers to the melody of Samba de Janeiro. For instance, Jared’s bendy.
Chad, on the other hand, is a fucking lightweight. He gets so drunk he has to practically be carried out of the club. It’s a shame, really, because after Jared had stopped staring at the entrance to the club expecting Jensen to miraculously show up, he started having a really great time. It was nothing that Chad throwing up all over Chris’ shoes wouldn’t put an end to, though.
Josh begs Chris to take Chad home, but the guy flat out refuses. “He’s your almost-family, man. You get him in your car.” Or at least that’s what he said according to Josh. Jared’s pretty sure some of the heavy swearing got lost in translation.
“All right,” Josh says exasperatedly, “change of plans.”
When Jared gives him an expectant look, he elaborates: “My parents live a few blocks down the road. And their house is big enough for all of us to spend the night. Chad’s in no state to drive himself home, and I’ve never been to his place. I don’t see what else there is to do.”
“You could call Sophia for the directions,” Jared suggests.
“At 2 am?” Josh looks at him incredulously. “Have you met Sophia? Besides, I’m pretty sure Chad wouldn’t appreciate us letting her know just how drunk he got.”
Jared can’t argue with that so he obediently helps Josh get Chad into the back seat and tries not to laugh when Josh murmurs: “Please, God, please don’t let him throw up in my car.”
Jared only realises that Josh’s parents’ house is the same house Jensen lives in when they climb up the stairs to the second floor (attempting to be stealthy and avoid waking up the entire house - an endeavor that fails completely when Jared trips and knocks over a flower pot), only to find Jensen sprawled on a couch watching TV.
Seeing Jensen so unexpectedly comes as a punch to Jared’s gut. He’s spent the last few days convincing himself he’s exaggerated Jensen’s beauty, that the guy couldn’t possibly look as good as he made him in his memories. Flashbacks. Fantasies. Whatever, semantics. But the thing is, he is. His green, green eyes sparkle, his lips are full, almost girly. Jared can still feel them on his skin, he knows what they can do. Want hits him when the image of Jensen under him flashes in his mind. His cheeks go crimson red and he almost chokes on hello. He fails miserably at forbidding himself to stare.
Staring turns out to be a good thing because Jensen sits up and pats the couch next to him so briefly Jared’s not even sure he’s really seen it. He goes to sit next to Jensen anyway. You know, just in case… in case Chad chooses to throw up again. Yes. He’s not particularly keen on being his next practice target.
Speaking of Chad, he’s actually speaking. Jared can’t tell whether it was the vomiting or climbing up the stairs, but he’s apparently sober enough to start yapping the moment he realises he’s got a new member in the audience.
“J’ns’n, m’ man,” he slurs. “Shoulda seen th’ ch’ks, dude. Thurr ’s this sho’t ‘ne that look’d ‘zactly like m’ h’school babe, an’ thurr ’s…”
Chad’s voice is surprisingly soothing. Or it’s the unwavering rhythm of his monologue that puts Jared to sleep before he can stop it.
He’s certain he must’ve dozed off because Josh is nowhere to be seen and the next thing he hears Chad say is: ” ‘m tellin’ you, man, she was totally the hottest chick in the kindergarten.”
“Hmpf,” is what comes out of Jared’s mouth as he’s coming back to consciousness. He’s going for Where am I? or What time is it? or maybe just Hi, but the circles Jensen’s thumb is drawing under his ear are kind of distracting. The hard-on he’s suddenly more than aware of is also distracting and he’s really glad he’s lying on his stomach with his head in Jensen’s lap… Wait, what? Shit, his head is in Jensen’s lap! It dawns on him that the thing uncomfortably poking his cheek is actually Jensen’s way of appreciating having Jared’s mouth pressed against the head of his dick. Another thing he finds out is that he drools while he sleeps. But then again, his lips are pressed against Jensen’s dick, so it’s only natural, right? He’d be embarrassed about it but it’s hard (har har, his inner twelve year old laughs) to think about anything else besides Jensen being right there. If only Chad would do the world a favour and fucking go to bed!
“Morning,” Jensen says as he looks down at him. “Wanna go to bed?”
Chad’s got to be the most oblivious person ever because he says: “Yeah, man, c’mon. Let’s get some sleep.” and Jared wonders if there’s any way of letting Chad know that the sleeping arrangements have changed slightly without actually saying it.
“You just go, Chad,” Jensen says. “I’ll deal with Sleeping Beauty here.”
“No, why don’t I just…” Chad trails off as the realisation dawns on him when Jensen lays his hand possessively on Jared’s back. “Oh,” he says. “Oh. So I’ll… Yeah, OK. Night!” But he shakes the awkwardness off quickly, if the leer he gives them is anything to go by. He even offers: “Use protection!” as the last piece of advice before he shuts the door behind him.
Jared groans. “Did he really list all of his girlfriends from high school back to kindergarten?” he asks.
Jensen rolls his eyes. “Yes, he did. So thank you for falling asleep on me. Literally.”
“I guess I should try and make it up to you, then,” Jared says bravely, and he barely gets it out before Jensen’s lips are on his and he’s pulling him up into his lap. Jared thinks he should probably mind all this manhandling, but somehow, he doesn’t.
” ‘m not a girl,”, he mumbles just to be clear.
“Well aware of that,” Jensen chuckles. “Believe me.” He should know. After all, his hands are everywhere. He’s got Jared’s shirt off of him in one smooth move, and the significant lack of boobs should be a big enough clue. It doesn’t stop him from closing his lips around Jared’s nipple. If anything, he’s just trying to prove his point and damn well succeeding at it.
“You’re awfully over-dressed, ” Jared says and Jensen manages to get them off the couch and lose his shirt simultaneously. He drags Jared by the hand to the next room. It’s Jensen’s bedroom and Jared only gets a fraction of a second to take in the huge bed that’s occupying the majority of its space before he finds himself flat on his back on it.
Jensen undresses them both in what Jared thinks must be some kind of a record and… OH. He’s gorgeous. He’s got this amazingly toned body that’s currently crawling up over Jared’s, drawing attention to his arms – arms which look like they’ve been sculpted by Michelangelo himself and especially designed for supporting ten very talented fingers. Jared’s just about to start appreciating the six-pack Jensen’s rocking when one hand curls around his dick and the other pulls his hair back, exposing his neck for Jensen to sink his teeth in.
The sensations are overwhelming, it’s no wonder Jared’s brain is about to shut down. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands, hell, even breathing seems like a task he’s no longer able to perform until Jensen says: “Breathe.” Jared opens his mouth to inhale because yes, oxygen sounds like a great idea, and Jensen uses the opportunity to slide a finger into his mouth. Jared sucks on it instinctively.
Jensen’s other hand is working a steady rhythm on his dick and it feels oh so good. He can’t really pay attention to anything else so when Jensen presses his finger to his opening, it comes as a complete surprise. He inhales sharply and freezes. Jensen pulls it away immediately.
“Are you okay?” he asks and eyes him worriedly. He stops jerking him off and moves away a little. “Jared? Did I do… Jared?”
Jared doesn’t say anything. He just closes his eyes, mortified. He knows he’s acting weird and he can’t expect Jensen to understand. He makes a decision and sits up.
“You… You didn’t do anything. I’ll just… Let me…” and he starts getting up, but Jensen pulls him back and wraps his arms around him. Huh. So that’s what being the little spoon feels like. Or would feel like if Jared weren’t so stiff.
“Relax,” Jensen soothes him. “We don’t have to do anything, okay? Just… don’t leave.”
Jared eases into him a little. ” ‘m sorry,” he whispers.
“Nothing to be sorry about.” Jensen plants little kisses to the back of his neck. “If anyone should apologise, it’s me. I didn’t mean to… I mean. Shit, you should’ve told me you haven’t…”
“Oh, I have!” Jared spurts out. “I mean, I’m not- not a virgin or anything. You didn’t… It’s just that… I don’t particularly like it.”
For a while Jensen doesn’t say anything and Jared really wishes he’d just sucked it up and gone with it instead of proving without a doubt that he is, in fact, a girl. But then Jensen says: “What did they do to you?”
“Nothing I didn’t want them to,” Jared tries to reassure him. “Really, it wasn’t like that. It just wasn’t what I expected it to be, so… yeah. Sorry. Sorry for being such a disappointment.”
“You’re not a… Hey,” Jensen says. “Listen to me. It’s okay. Really. You wanna go to sleep?” he offers as his fingers are trailing up and down Jared’s arm in a comforting way. Jared tilts his head back to look at him.
“Um… can’t we just… you know… something else?”
Jensen grins. “Sure we can,” he says and leans in to whisper against his lips. “Anything you want.”
The next morning Jared has a purple bruise decorating his bottom lip. He prays to God no one asks him about it. Having breakfast with Jensen’s parents is awkward enough without bringing up the whole bed sharing thing. Chad smirking at him from the other end of the table isn’t helping the situation either.
Jared doesn’t see or hear from Jensen for a week. He didn’t expect it, of course. Not after how their night ended up. Sure, Jensen was really understanding and if he was angry with Jared, he hid it well, but Jared’s still not expecting him to be thrilled about it. And from the purely practical side, he doesn’t have Jared’s number, because Jared doesn’t even have a number here.
That’s why when Josh and Danneel stop by for lunch, he borrows Josh’s cell phone just to text Sandy back home. Sandy’s his best friend but he can’t exactly call her from his aunt’s phone and chat with her for hours. First, because it’s hella expensive, and second, he can’t talk about Jensen with all these ears around. But he really, really has to say something to someone, or else he’ll spontaneously combust or something, so texting it is. Plus, you can delete sent messages.
Josh throws him his phone without thinking and Jared fully intends to just text Sandy and tell her he’s alive and maybe just a tiny bit crushing on a guy. But there are two of Jensen’s texts in the phone. They’re sent yesterday. Before Jared can even stop and think about what he’s doing, he opens the first and then the second message. They say Nothing happened. I didn’t do anything. and Because I’m telling you. Who do you take me for? He’s dying to say something - he’s almost positive it’s about him. Unfortunately he can’t say anything without admitting he read what was never meant for his eyes, so he bites his tongue. He wishes he knew why was it so important to Jensen to keep whatever did or didn’t happen a secret. He wishes even more he could stop obsessing over it.
Later that day his aunt shows him Josh and Danneel’s wedding pictures. Yes, his days are that exciting. It’s not all bad - he can tell Chad got really drunk just by looking at his face. Pictures of him in various stages of undressing are just a confirmation. He can also tell Sophia’s pissed with him because she’s rolling her eyes in almost every picture. Seriously, why are they together again?
“Funny,” Jared says, “never thought Danny would get married in church.”
“The Ackles family insisted,” his aunt says with just a hint of coldness to her voice. “They’re pretty strict Catholics.”
“Oh I see,” Jared says, but what he thinks is: “OH. I see.”
Then there’s the thing Josh says to him when he picks him up for the weekend. He’s looking straight ahead when he speaks, ostensibly minding the road.
“Jared,” he says, “I don’t know what’s going on between my brother and you…” He pauses. Maybe he’s expecting Jared to cut in, to say it’s nothing, to say anything, and Jared would, but it’s not like whatever it is that’s happened… is happening… is going to happen… (see?), has been defined. So he says nothing, and eventually Josh continues.
“Maybe it’s not my place to say anything,” he says and Jared’s not going to argue with him there. “I don’t know what he said to you, but… Look, he’s my brother and I love him, but that doesn’t mean I can’t see him for who he is.”
If Jared hadn’t been paying attention before, this would’ve certainly grabbed it. As it is, he just perks his ears a little more and waits.
“Jensen is… he’s pretty selfish, okay? He’s not out. He’s never going to be out. He’d never do anything that would risk his position in the family. You know he works in my Dad’s firm, right?” This is the first time Josh looks at him since he’s started talking. Jared nods curtly.
“Well, he’s expected to take it over some day. I… I got out. I didn’t want to live under my father’s rules for the rest of my life, but Jensen… he’s okay with it, as long as he gets what he wants. And he can only get what he wants when my Dad gets what he wants, which is an heir.” Josh laugh bitterly. “He’s got these delusions of grandeur. I don’t even know, man.” He shakes his head and continues: “Anyway, Jensen’s the golden boy, you know? He’s supposed to do what he’s told, get married to a nice girl, have children, take care of the business, the whole deal. I know who he is, but my parents don’t, and they’re not going to. He’s not gonna give up this life he’s got mapped out. Not for anyone. I just thought you should know that if… before things get out of hand.”
Josh’s words echo in Jared’s head for the rest of the day. They seem to be on a loop while they play Grand Theft Auto for a couple of hours, he can hear them while he helps Danneel with the dinner. They don’t go away while he’s doing the dishes afterwards. Even when Sophia and Chad show up with a bottle of tequila and a couple of DVDs, he still can’t kick them out of his head.
Tequila is, as Jared discovers, awesome. He doesn’t get hammered (Chad takes care of that one), but he’s pleasantly buzzed. The colours are at the same time softer and brighter. It’s weird, but awesome. There are some other things that are awesome as well, like the way Jensen’s thigh is pressed against his or how he keeps leaning a little more into him as the time passes by, to name a few.
Jared is pretty sure Jensen’s pretending to be more drunk than he actually is. He can tell, because the hand that is stroking the small of his back under his shirt is too deliberate in its movements for sloppy drunken groping.
Sophia takes Chad home when he reaches the point of undressing. Jared makes a mental note to never allow himself get drunk alone with Chad. He might be gay, but he’s not gay enough to want to see Chad naked. No one is.
It’s almost 1am, the evening is coming to an end, and Jared is already feeling all kinds of disappointed when Danneel says: “I don’t think you should be driving, Jen. Why don’t you stay for the night?” Jared kind of wants to marry her now… you know, if she weren’t already married and related to him… and if he didn’t want to marry Jensen more.
“You okay with that, Jared?” Josh asks.
“Yeah, sure. He doesn’t scare me,” Jared lamely jokes.
Josh looks like he’s about to say something, but then changes his mind, and bids them good night. Danneel shows them how to pull the couch out, brings them some pillows and sheets, and turns the lights off as she leaves the room. There’s just the two of them then in the room lit solely by the flickering light coming from the muted TV.
Jensen sits down on the bed and pulls his t-shirt over his head while Jared just stands there, suddenly feeling out of place. He doesn’t know what the proper etiquette of the situation is. Does he just strip? Should he get on the bed, too? Maybe let Jensen undress him? And oh God, what if he’s been such a disappointment that Jensen really is just going to sleep? He shifts on his feet and bites his lip.
Then Jensen looks up at him with puzzled expression. He smiles. “C’mere,” he says softly, and Jared goes.
It’s completely obvious then that Jensen is anything but drunk. His fingers don’t fumble with the buttons. There’s nothing clumsy in the way he lays Jared down and drapes himself over him. Before he even kisses him for the first time he says: “I need you to tell me if I do anything you don’t like, okay?” Jared breathes out “Yeah” and then Jensen is kissing him.
He’s incredibly gentle. He’s holding Jared as if he might break, and it’s up to Jared to grab his head and pull him closer, to get more. Jared lets his legs fall apart to make room for Jensen to settle in between. Jensen rids him off his shirt. Finally, they’re skin on skin. His heart beats so fast, he’s sure Jensen can feel it.
Jared can’t quite believe he’s got this gorgeous man half-naked in his bed. He knows he’s not bad looking himself, but he’s too aware of how skinny and weirdly angled his body is. He contemplates worrying about it for a few seconds, but Jensen doesn’t seem to have any problems with how Jared looks or feels under him. He’s sliding his hands down Jared’s chest and kissing his neck, all the while making these small noises that send shivers down Jared’s spine. Jared’s finding it hard to believe that the Jensen Josh spoke of and this one - who’s looking at him like he’s beautiful, who’s touching him like he’s precious - could be one and the same person.
Jensen’s doing these wonderful things with his tongue to his ear and he needs to release the pressure in his jeans. He gets his hand in between them. Jensen abruptly stops nibbling on his earlobe.
“Are you sure?” he asks in a raspy voice. Jared nods eagerly. Jensen unzips him and the relief that it brings lasts only till he feels Jensen’s hand palming him through his boxers.
“Nnngh,” comes out of his mouth as he jerks up into Jensen’s hand. Jensen rubs him slowly and when Jared’s breathy “please” comes out, he hooks his fingers under the waistband of Jared’s underwear and slides it down. Some time, somehow, Jensen must’ve gotten out of his clothes too, because when he brings himself back up along Jared’s body, he’s completely naked. His skin radiates heat as he’s pinning Jared down with the weight of his body. It’s making Jared a little lightheaded. Could be the remains of the tequila in his bloodstream, though.
Jensen lines them up, Jared’s hips jerk up involuntarily, looking for friction, begging for more, and Jensen grins against his mouth.
“You like that, huh?” he teases.
“God, yes,” Jared pants. “I want…” He bites his lip when Jensen starts rocking against him. “Oh fuck!” he swears. “I want…”
“Tell me,” Jensen demands.
“I want you to… try.”
Jensen doesn’t ask him if he’s sure again, just slides off the bed, and rumbles through the discarded clothes on the floor. When he comes back, Jared eyes him carefully as he coats his fingers with lube.
“You should probably get on your stomach,” Jensen says.
“No,” Jared refuses. “I wanna see you.”
Jensen nods and gets between Jared’s spread legs. Without any warning he leans in and takes Jared in his mouth. It takes Jared by surprise, so much so, he doesn’t even notice Jensen’s rubbing the rim of his opening with his finger, keeping in rhythm with his mouth sliding up and down. He flicks his tongue over the head and pushes one finger in. It’s impossible to miss that. Jared tenses. Jensen stills his hand. He looks up at Jared who draws in a shaky breath and says: “Keep… keep going.”
He doesn’t move his hand until he’s back to licking and sucking on Jared, who has to bite down on the back of his hand to muffle the sounds that threaten to come out of the back of his throat. Then Jensen adds another finger and swallows Jared’s cock all the way down. It’s tight and hot, wet and slick, and Jared’s never felt anything like that. He doesn’t want it to ever end, but then Jensen crooks his fingers inside of him. There’s not even time to warn him before he’s coming down Jensen’s throat with almost violent shudders.
“Sorry,” he says when Jensen lifts his head up and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “What… oh God…” He breaks off as Jensen’s busy fingers continue sliding in and out him, brushing against that spot. It’s very hard for Jared to think straight amidst such a distraction. “What… what was that?”
“Jared, meet your prostate.”
Jared laughs shakily, then stretches his arm to pull Jensen into a kiss. He can feel just how hard Jensen is, pressed against his thigh. He knows he’s not getting any more relaxed than this, so he breaks the kiss and says: “Okay, Jen… I’m… I’m ready.”
Jensen wastes no time. He slips a condom on and slicks himself up thoroughly. “Breathe,” he reminds Jared as he’s lining himself up. Jared focuses on Jensen’s face, tight with concentration and, Jared imagines, restraint, as he feels the blunt tip making its way inside of his body.
Jensen takes it slow, almost painfully so. He’s barely in when he stills and continues only when Jared jerks his hips to meet him, to welcome him.
“C’mon, c’mon,” Jared urges and Jensen slides all the way in. It’s a little uncomfortable, maybe even more than a little, but he forces himself to relax, and tells Jensen to move. There’s a slight burn, but it’s not entirely unpleasant.
Jensen’s breathing is getting heavier with every thrust, but Jared can tell he’s holding back, going slow and careful. God help him, but it’s turning him on! He just came but he can feel himself getting hard again. He inhales and exhales in time with Jensen and his body opens up to him. Then Jensen changes the angle a little as he speeds up and oh! There’s that spot again.
Suddenly, it’s good. Jared’s eyes widen with amazement because this is how it’s supposed to feel. This is it. Jensen must see it on his face because he smiles and goes a little faster. They’re both panting ad sweating, Jared’s hands curl into the sheet for something to hold on to. He’s meeting Jensen’s body at every thrust, and Jensen’s got him by the hips in a grip that’s sure to leave bruises come morning.
He doesn’t care. He wants this to last forever, but it’s not going to, because Jensen’s got one hand on his cock and is stroking him hard and fast. His whole body arches into Jensen’s as his orgasm hits him even stronger than before. And with a few final, short, erratic thrusts, he can feel Jensen coming too, before collapsing on top of Jared.
It takes five, maybe ten minutes before he can speak, and when he does, with a blissful expression on his face he says: “So that’s what sex feels like.”
“No,” Jensen grins. “That’s what sex with me feels like.”
Jared laughs. Then he sleeps.