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Title: Without Sound, You Kissed My face and Rose to Leave (Once you were gone, I began my decay) (from Anima's "Without Sound")
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: R
Word count: 3 000
Summary: Jensen gets into his space and looks up at him. “I thought we could, you know…” “Finish what we started?” (3rd in the Sound!verse)
Warning: Consider yourself warned.
Disclaimer: Yeah, not really.
A/N: I'm sorry. For... this. Also, [livejournal.com profile] maichan808 , sorry for making you go through this. Especially the first time.


Previous

A week before Jared starts high school, his family moves to a different town. When he says goodbye to Steve and Chris – not Jensen, who’s away at college and hasn’t been home in months – it feels a lot like saying goodbye to his childhood.

Chris and Steve start a band, Steve tells him in one of his rare e-mails. They do gigs in bars that’ll have them, first as opening acts for others, then eventually working their way up to their own shows. He doesn’t ask about Jensen and Steve doesn’t offer anything on his own.

Jared makes friends easily. There’s Tom, Chad and Sophia in his class and his life now. He dates, too – always girls and always petite brunettes with sparkly eyes and tiny waists he can circle with his hands. It’s uncomplicated, effortless. They throw themselves at the tall boy with shaggy hair and a brilliant smile. They don’t seem to notice how it never quite reaches his eyes.

There was Kristin and Genevieve, even Sophia briefly, before she said she cared for him a lot but she wanted someone who would see only her.

“I’m not cheating on you,” he said defensively, too quickly.

“I know,” she smiled, if a little sadly. “But that doesn’t mean there isn’t someone else.”

He didn’t even try to argue with that. So she moved on – to Chad of all people – and he got himself a better friend than he could ever hope for.

Then there was Chad, who was, well, Chad. Obnoxious and crude, loud and unapologetic, Chad was the kind of guy who could always get his hands on the best weed in town. He always knew where the best parties were and could always get them into any bar with the fake IDs he got because he knew a guy who knew a guy. He was the kind of guy who’d demand a drawing of tits of Jared’s latest hook-up if he found Jared’s verbal description unsatisfactory. He was the kind of guy who’d never ask a thing when Jared would return from men’s bathroom, shirt rumpled, cheeks flushed, and lips swollen, shiny with spit.

So Jared’s got friends. He’s good.

~*~

“Your eighteenth birthday,” Chad says suddenly as he's hanging out with him and Tom at the basketball court, and in no relation to anything that’s been said before, “is going to be epic. End of life as you know it.”

Jared groans. “No, Chad, just… no. Getting kicked out of a strip club once was more than enough.”

“Whatever,” Chad waves him off. “Besides, we’re not going to a strip club. There’s a band doing a gig at Cassidy’s that I heard was good. Figured we could get really wasted, hook up with some bitches…”

“You hook up with ‘bitches’ and Sophia’s gonna wear your balls as earrings, man.”

“Well,” Chad contemplates this for a moment, “they could be decorative enough.”

“Wow, that’s pretty gross even for you,” Jared makes a disgusted face. “But okay,” he continues, “as long as it’s nothing we could end up in jail for or that would cause us to lose limbs and/or internal organs.”

“Pfft,” Chad huffs. “Where’s your sense of adventure, princess? I swear, sometimes I don’t even know why I’m friends with you two pussies.”

“Because no one else would have your sorry ass,” Tom retorts. Jared snorts and bumps his fist.

~*~

“No way!” Jared exclaims when he notices the poster announcing the band at the door of the bar as they arrive. Chad, who was just informing them about a girl checking him out, takes offense.

“Yes, she was!”

“No, man,” Jared points at the poster, “this. I know the band.”

“Oh,” Chad deflates, then perks up. “Really? Do you think they have, like groupies, they’d be willing to pass on?”

“I’m right here,” Sophia says coldly. Chad doesn’t miss a beat. “I meant for Jared, of course,” he says and tries to pull her into a hug. She bats his arm away and fits herself under Jared’s shoulder.

“So,” she smirks, “I hear you know the band.” Jared chuckles and leads the way in.

They get a table in the corner, not far from the still bare stage. Jared barely pays any attention to his friends, eyeing the stage constantly, expecting Steve and Chris to show up. Finally, he spots Steve coming from behind, guitar in hand, hair just long enough to touch his shoulders. He’s so different, yet he’s just the same.

Jared gets up, ready to wave and holler his name, hand already halfway up in the air, when he notices Steve talking to a guy behind him. It’s not Chris. It feels like getting kicked in the gut and he slumps back down into the chair.

“Aren’t you gonna go over to your friends?” Sophia asks watching him carefully.

“No,” he mutters.

“Hah!” Chad claps the table. “I knew you didn’t know the band!”

“Shut up, Chad,” Sophia says as she elbows him, hard. He opens his mouth as if he’s about to protest but it’s probably Jared’s face that shuts him up. He gets up and announces he’s getting another round instead.

Jared chugs his beers one after another in what must be a record time all the while pretending he’s not looking at Jensen. He’s helped Steve and Chris set everything up, but it doesn’t look like he’s going on the stage with them, not from the way he’s sat himself at a table. Next to him is a blonde girl who’s doing her best to mark her territory with her hand on his thigh and the way she keeps leaning in to him, whispering something to his ear.

He’s so busy not staring that he almost misses when Steve and Chris actually start playing and he’s surprised to find out they’re pretty good. He’s heard a few recordings Steve sent, but they’re much better live. Another thing he misses is the transfer he makes from beer to tequila.

Next thing he knows, there are four empty shot glasses turned upside down in front of him, Chris announces a short break they’re about to take, and he thinks fuck it. He gets up and makes his way over to the stage.

He’s pointedly not looking to his left where he knows Jensen and his girl are sitting as he walks up to Steve. Steve looks up at the man patting his shoulder and his mouth spreads into a wide grin.

“Jared!” he yells and pulls him down into a hug. “What the hell, man? Didn’t expect to see you here. Hey Chris!” he turns to the other man, “look who’s here!”

Unsurprisingly, Chris greets him with less warmth. There are awkward pats on the back and good to see yous exchanged and then Jared hears a silent Hey, Jared behind him. It’s a voice he hasn’t heard in five years. It’s a voice he’d know anytime, anywhere.

“Jensen,” he says as he turns around, and if his voice is hoarse, it’s because of the tequila that burned his throat, nothing else.

“Yeah,” Jensen replies, as if it was a question. As if Jared needed a conformation that here, before him, stood a man whose face he saw way too often in his dreams. But then, maybe he did, after all this time. It’s hard to believe that he’s right here, flesh and blood, at a hand’s reach. Not that he would ever dare to touch. He has no right, no claim.

“So,” Jensen says, undecided between a smile and a grimace. Hands in pockets, he rocks back and forth a little on his feet. “It’s been a while.”

“And whose fault is that?” He doesn’t mean for it to come out as bitter, he doesn’t mean to sound hurt. But… he sees Jensen and he hears him. Fuck, he can smell him, over the cigarette smoke and the sweat of the bodies crowded in the room. Jensen’s too close and he needs to get away before he hits him, or worse, touches him.

“Sorry,” he mumbles at the hurt expression on Jensen’s face. “I didn’t mean…” Abandoning the sentence he cannot finish without a lie, Jared turns back to Steve. “It was good to see you, man. Maybe we can catch up later, yeah?”

He doesn’t stick around for long enough to hear Steve’s confused uh sure, just walks straight to the bar and lets himself be reacquainted with the sting of salt on his bitten lips and the burn of alcohol gliding down his throat. He doesn’t realise he’s being a total dick to the friends who came to celebrate his birthday with him until Chad comes over to him and points it out.

“You plan to keep this up for much longer, Jay?” he says sulkily.

“Chad,” Jared sounds surprised to see him, like he’s completely forgotten he was there in the first place.

“Oh good, you remember my name,” Chad says coldly. “Now if you’d be so kind as to remember those two over there,” he points at Sophia and Tom who are staring openly at them, “and grace us with your presence, since it is your birthday we’re here for…”

Jared avoids his gaze and shakes his head. “I’m not in the mood.”

“Yeah, no shit! What’s going on, man? Is there an ass in need of kicking? Besides yours, that is,” Chad adds poking him pretty painfully in the shoulder.

“First of all, ow,” Jared protests and stands up, towering Chad in an attempt to intimidate him, a tactic that would be much more effective if he didn’t sway on his feet a little, balance just a wee bit out of his grasp. “And B, I… I think I’m going to be sick!”

Slamming his hand across his mouth, Jared makes his way out of the bar, Chad right behind him.

They end up in an alley behind the building. Jared leans against the wall propped up on one hand and breathes heavily.

“I’m not holding your hair if you puke, dude,” Chad warns but doesn’t move away.

“I’m not… going…” Jared manages in between dry heaves, “to… puke. I just… need… some air.”

“A’ight,” Chad shrugs. “So, are you gonna come back in?”

“Yeah, in a minute, okay?” He doesn’t turn around, but the telltale sound of steps walking away tells him he’s alone. He leans his forehead against the cool bricks and concentrates on breathing deeply.

~*~

He doesn’t know how much time passes as he rests there when he hears someone coming up to him.

“I said in a minute!” he snaps.

“Uh… Jared,” a voice says behind his back. “Can I… can I talk to you?”

Jared snorts, but turns around crossing his arms over his chest. “That’s new. They teach you in college that?”

“Excuse me?”

“You. Talking to me.”

He takes the time Jensen apparently needs to collect his thoughts to thoroughly take him in. It doesn’t surprise him much to realise that it hurts. It hurts seeing him after all this time without a word, seeing he hasn’t change all that much. He’s still his Jensen, the one he once knew, the one he once wanted. His eyes are still huge and sparkly green. It angers him, too. He feels the anger seething down in his gut, its heat unraveling slowly.

“You had years to talk to me, Jensen,” he says. “Why now?”

Jensen blinks. “Because… I saw you and… you’re…” He laughs briefly. “Wow. I mean, look at you.”

He takes a step closer. For a second Jared wonders what’s going on, but then he gets it.

The air goes electric. The tension between them rises and Jared is suddenly really grateful for the wall behind his back, he doesn’t think his knees are up for the task of holding him.

“What are you doing?” He eyes Jensen suspiciously.

Jensen gets into his space and looks up at him. “I thought we could, you know…”

“Finish what we started?”

“Well, yeah,” he smirks and brings a hand up, curls it behind Jared’s neck.

“I don’t believe this,” Jared says as he watches it happen.

“I know,” Jensen replies and pulls him down into a kiss.

Surreal, Jared thinks, this is surreal. He’d spent so much time picturing it, imagining how it would go down. It’s good, God, it’s so good, the touch of full, soft lips on his, tongue swiping them, a hand creeping up his belly, under his shirt… It’s everything he’s ever wanted, right here, under his hands.

Jensen’s body is pressed up against him, radiating heat, sending sparks of arousal straight to his groin. He doesn’t think. He can’t think, just grabs onto Jensen and pulls him even closer. He leans down to taste the skin of Jensen’s neck, when he feels Jensen fumbling with his belt buckle. He’s almost frantic in his moves, tugging and pulling, slipping his hand into his pants and palming his throbbing cock, rubbing it roughly.

“Yeah,” Jensen breathes. “Yeah, I knew you’d be hard, for me… Fuck, Jared, I think I waited long enough for this.”

He takes Jared’s hand and presses it between them. “Feel that?” he rasps. “See what you do to me?” He rocks his hips Jared’s, whispers low into his ear, “I want to fuck you, Jay. You’ll let me, won’t you?”

Before Jared can answer, he’s unzipping his pants and turning him to face the wall.

It feels… off, somehow. This isn’t how Jared pictured it. It’s not supposed be a quick, dirty fuck against a back alley wall. Only, the realisation hits him, it is. For Jensen, anyway. He’s gonna fuck him right here, right now, and then he’ll turn and walk away. Again.

It takes everything he’s got to push Jensen away.

“No,” he says firmly, answering the unasked question written across Jensen’s face. “You don’t get to do this to me again. What is the matter with you, Jensen? Seriously, what the fuck?!”

Jensen takes a step back. He’s gorgeous, cheeks flushed, hair disheveled, lips swollen and red . His eyes, though, they’re emotionless. “I don’t know what… Look,” he lifts his hands up in a surrendering gesture, “I’m sorry, I misread things here obviously. I’ll just… I should probably get back to…” He tucks his shirt back in and zips up before turning and starting to walk away.

“To your girlfriend?” Jared spits out while he’s trying to get himself back in order, feeling embarrassed and on display, with his pants open, and his hair messed up, taste of Jensen still lingering in his mouth. It’s a bitter taste, one of disappointment and loss.

Jensen snaps back to him, incredulous look upon his face. “To my… what?” Jared waves his hand to the general direction of the bar, and Jensen snorts a laugh. “You mean Joanna? She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Oh? And does she know that? Or do you still like to toy with people’s minds?”

Jensen’s smile fades away instantly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he says coldly.

To Jared it’s like someone has opened a dam, everything he’s held in for so long gushing out in an unstoppable torrent of words.

“You hurt me, Jensen! You hurt me so bad I thought I’d never get it back together. Hell, I don’t think I ever did.”

“I don’t think I have to listen…” Jensen tries, but Jared cuts him off.

“No, you will listen for once. You will let me talk for once. You need to know what you did,” Jared raises his tone. “I trusted you,” he hisses through his teeth. “God, Jensen, you… you were my first best friend, you were my first crush, you were my first kiss. You were my first everything! And then you just… took it all away. Just like that. Gone. Do you have any idea how it felt, what it was like not to be able to talk to you anymore, to my best friend, to someone I loved? You never even looked back, like I never existed, like I was never there.”

He pauses for a moment, takes a deep breath. “What did I do that was so wrong that you had to run away from me, Jensen? What was it that I did that chased you away?” He wipes his cheek with the back of his hand angrily, then looks at it, surprised that it’s wet. It only makes him angrier, letting Jensen see how he got to him. “And now you think you can just… what? Pick up where you left off?” Jared lets out a bitter bark of laughter. “I don’t think so, Jensen.”

He closes his eyes for a moment, takes a deep breath in, composes himself. It feels strangely liberating, letting it all out like that.

When he opens his eyes again, it’s like he’s seeing things differently. It’s like pieces falling to place, like one of those sequences where shots speed up and bits come together creating a picture that wasn’t there just a few seconds ago. He’s seeing Jensen differently. He’s as beautiful as ever, but there’s something missing. The mystery, the appeal, whatever it was that kept him tied to the memory, is gone.

Jensen stands there looking out of place, seemingly at a loss of words. He looks small. He never looked small to Jared before.

One’s mind is curious like that – it can play tricks on you, create things that were never there if you let it run freely long enough.

“I didn’t know…” he starts weakly, but trails off.

“Yeah,” Jared agrees. “I guess you didn’t.”

Jensen opens his mouth like he’s about to say something, but Jared raises his hand to stop him. There’s nothing Jensen can say that can bring years back, and Jared’s wasted enough time holding on to a fragment of his past.

“Just go back to your friends, Jensen,” he says, almost gently. “I have a birthday party to return to anyway.”

He doesn’t wait for a reply, he doesn’t wait to see if there even would be one. Jared just.. lets go. He walks away and doesn’t look back. There’s nothing to see where a dream doesn’t come true.

~ END.

Date: 2009-08-31 06:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] book-choco-loco.livejournal.com
You already know how much I love the ending. It's so fucking final, to which I totally approve :D

Date: 2009-08-31 06:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] krisd81.livejournal.com
Hahaha, you might just be the only one. Well, you and me. But that's why I love you.

Date: 2009-08-31 06:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] maichan808.livejournal.com
Pssh, this isn't nearly as bad as you think. SERIOUSLY.

Date: 2009-08-31 06:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] krisd81.livejournal.com
Okay, okay, no need to YELL.

Seriously though, THANK YOU. And I'm sorry.

Date: 2009-09-03 07:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] not-refined.livejournal.com
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Date: 2009-09-03 07:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] krisd81.livejournal.com
Okay, see, that isn't right.

I mean, I love you for it, but this just isn't... like that.

Date: 2009-09-03 07:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] not-refined.livejournal.com
Since when am I appropriate?

Date: 2009-09-03 07:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] krisd81.livejournal.com
I don't care if you're inappropriate, as long as you're true.

Date: 2009-09-03 07:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] not-refined.livejournal.com
And I am!

My reaction to this is pretty much ecstatic bouncing.

BUT. I promise I will read it again when I am less exhausted and write a comment detailing ALL my emotions, not just my yay.

Date: 2009-09-03 07:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] krisd81.livejournal.com
Hahahaha, best not. Let's pretend this is yay-worthy.

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